remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
