I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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