my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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