I met the friendliest cop last night
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
