Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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