I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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