I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
