Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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