god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
