She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
