I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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