The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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