i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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