When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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