I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
