Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
