OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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