Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
