So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
