i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
