I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
