normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
