i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
