Buhtt sex?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
