There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I got inside last night via doggy door
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's shark week go big or go home
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
