Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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