Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
