you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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