If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
