I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
