I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
