I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
