I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
