I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
