Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
