Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
