I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
