You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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