my phone needs a breathalizer
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
not ubering you a puppy
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
