At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
