he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
