I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
