I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
