my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
