Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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