somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
