I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
