if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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