A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
