I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
