I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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